Who Am I? Understanding the Private Self, Public Self, and Our True Identity
Ever wonder who you are when you stare at yourself in the mirror? Do you question your identity? Or ask: who or what is my true self? This can be confusing, especially since your personal development is shifting as you experience different stages of life and assume different roles and job responsibilities. Each role requires different behaviors. Psychologist Carl Jung talks about “Persona” or “What I show the world,” the “Private Self,” or what I experience inwardly, then, “Shadow,” or what I may not recognize or accept about myself, and “Self,” or the larger, more integrated personality.
Humanist psychologist Carl Rogers described the self-concept as being composed of three parts: The Ideal Self is the person you want to be. This person has the attributes or qualities you are either working toward or want to possess. It’s who you envision yourself to be if you were exactly the person you wanted to be. Self-image refers to how you see yourself at this moment in time. Physical characteristics, personality traits and social roles affect your self-image. Then Self-esteem or how much you like, accept, and value yourself contributes to your self-concept.
Every human being lives between two worlds: the world within and the world we share with others. Within us exists a private self or the thoughts, feelings, memories, fears, hopes, desires, and questions that may never be fully revealed to another person. At the same time, we possess a public self or the person we present to family, friends, colleagues, and society. The relationship between these two selves is one of the central tensions of human existence and within yourself, thus the question: Who am I?
The public self is necessary for social life. From childhood we are taught that different situations require different types of behavior. This can be confusing for children. Kids are taught to be polite in how they speak with a teacher or person in authority, versus friends, family members or a stranger. We learn manners, social expectations, and cultural customs, depending on where you live in the world. In this sense, it’s the part of ourselves that knows how to, hopefully, live with other people.
Here’s the tricky part. The public self can become separated from the private self. A person may appear confident while privately experiencing uncertainty. Like giving a speech in front of strangers, you look confident, but your palms are sweaty and your perspiring like crazy. Or someone may appear cheerful while carrying sadness. We often see only what another person chooses to reveal, while the greater psychological reality remains hidden. This distinction raises an important question: Which self is the “real” self? Well, they both are.
However, the public self, is important. The inner self requires the outer world in order to express itself. So, make friends with yourself and understand the moving parts within yourself. Our values become meaningful when they are expressed through relationships and behavior. Compassion that exists only as an idea remains incomplete until it becomes an action. Love becomes meaningful through how we treat another person. You have to make love tangible. Anyone can say I love you. But follow it up with a card, a flower, a Lamborghini.
For me, I’m looking for the connection with aging. As I move through life, some of the identities that once defined me, changed. My multiple careers have ended, my children are independent, my social status changed: now, I’m grandpa. And I have the T-shirt given to me by my daughter. After I retired, I was in a psychological crisis because the old persona no longer provided the same sense of identity I enjoyed. But thanks to Jungian psychology the transition is not seen as a loss, but potentially as an invitation to discover who I am beneath the roles I have spent a lifetime performing. My self-discovery was a little bit painful and confusing. Once again, I had to look in the mirror and ask myself: Who are you? What are you doing? What do you want to do? Then re-wire my brain housing group and re-calibrate my self-image and jump start my cour-cour-cour-courage.
The private self serves an important developmental function. In the kitchen, sitting in solitude, enjoying soy yogurt and a banana, I examined my life without the pressure of social expectations. Staring at the tea leaves I can ponder: What do I really believe? What do I value? What am I afraid of? What kind of person do I want to become? Such questions allow me to develop an identity that is more than a collection of social roles. I’m not one person in private and another person in public. Rather, I’m, we are, complex beings who reveal different dimensions of ourselves according to circumstances.
The jungle drums say there is continual movement between the private and public selves. We withdraw into ourselves to reflect and then return to the world to act. Experience in the public world changes our private understanding, while our private convictions influence our public behavior. The two selves are engaged in a lifelong conversation. Good luck out there.
About the Author:
Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
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