The Hidden Self and the Quiet Question of Who We Are Becoming

What do you think about all day? In those quiet moments, enjoying your private thoughts over coffee in your favorite cozy spot. What is your silent conversation? The hidden self of you, existing everyday beneath your social and professional roles, your habits and public identity.

In a competitive society our hidden self often retreats. At times our beliefs don’t fit social expectations. For me, I never seemed to fit in, but I accepted it. Maybe our creativity is discouraged as you keep your strength or weakness hidden. I was an observer and played my role when called upon. Throughout our lifetime, we assume many different roles in jobs, careers, and relationships.

Father of analytical psychology, Carl Jung, describes the inner territory as the “shadow,” or the hidden self; that included unexpressed feelings and unrealized potential. I know what that feels like. At some moment or turning point in my life, I sat on the bench instead of springing up to meet the moment. Well, the hidden self carries the question: Who am I becoming? I often felt this way in my moments of being dazed and confused.

Sigmund Freud called the hidden self the unconscious and believed it influenced thoughts, emotions, relationships and moral strength. Freud believed the hidden self is shaped by childhood experiences. Unfortunately, for some people their hidden self also includes pathological thinking which developed in childhood trauma, neglect and chronic criticism. Long-term stress and unresolved loss or biological factors also affect emotional regulation. Pathological thinking is a persistent pattern of distorted thoughts, rigid or disconnected from reality in ways that harm emotional well-being, relationships, or daily functioning. It’s not about having occasional negative thoughts, which are part of the normal human experience, but about thinking styles that become habitual, self-reinforcing and harmful over time. Just read last weeks headlines about Los Angeles, Australia, or Boston.

But the psyche or hidden self, needs privacy, rhythm and depth. The hidden self grows in reflective spaces: long walks, honest writing, prayer, meditation or quiet conversation. For me, I enjoy walking and being alone, it’s my thinking and reflective time to examine my thoughts and behavior. It’s my therapeutic time.

Danish theologian and father of Existentialism, Søren Kierkegaard, wrote that becoming a self is a task, not a given. We are not born complete; we are called into authenticity through choice and commitment. The hidden self often carries the question, “Who am I becoming?” Answering the question requires courage to face inner contradictions and to live with uncertainty while values take shape. In my brief moments of unemployment, I often asked myself who am I becoming and who am I? Why was I here? What was my purpose in life?

The hidden self is sometimes described as the soul or the inner heart. Engaging the hidden self also improves relationships. When people are in touch with their inner world, they listen better, set clearer boundaries, and love with fewer illusions. Self-knowledge does not make one self-absorbed; it makes one more available, and self-confident. I’ve become immune to other people’s opinions of me and their air of self-importance. People hide behind illusions and haughtiness. Only they know their demons.

Enter American psychologist Albert Ellis, known for developing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Ellis approaches the hidden self in a practical way. He doesn’t emphasize buried instincts or childhood conflicts; Ellis focused on inner dialogue, the unnoticed beliefs and self-statements that shape emotion and behavior. For Ellis, the hidden self is not so much concealed memories as it is unexamined beliefs. He observed that people are disturbed not primarily by events, but by what they tell themselves about those events.

Healing, therefore, requires disputing irrational beliefs and replacing them with more flexible, reality-based alternatives. This process brings the hidden self into the light but not through interpretation, but through conscious examination and choice. In summary, Ellis believes people are disturbed not by things, but by their judgments about things. In this sense, the hidden self is the untested philosophy by which a person lives. When examined and revised, emotional freedom increases.

Okay, so what’s the behavioral plan or “Therapeutic Plan?” Start by training your children emotional literacy. Teach kids to identify and regulate emotions. De-escalate violence by teaching conflict resolution skills through active listening and negotiation skills. De-glorify violence in movies, video games and television programs. Counterbalance violence with peaceful stories about repairing friendships and achieving harmony in relationships. Create an open environment where communication and owning mistakes without retaliation is normalized. Reduce the “us vs them” perception to reduce violence and create a harmonious neighborhood. Allow peace to become a habit. Be careful what you say when under stress and avoid being disrespectful.

The hidden self is where meaning quietly forms, through personal values, moral intuition, and the sense of purpose that survives hardship. Even when circumstances limit external freedom, inner freedom remains. At times in my life, I felt trapped, but my inner voice was my guiding light. Attending to the hidden self, helps preserve dignity and direction, especially in times of loss or transition. Self-knowledge, though sometimes unsettling, or painful, is ultimately a path toward greater psychological maturity. To grow or not to grow. You are limited by your vision. Is it time for new glasses?

About the Author:

Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.

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