What a Slice of Pie Taught Me About Happiness

Years ago, I was with a group of former Marines helping out a Marine’s ailing father manage farm chores in the Midwest. As a northern boy raised in the city, I had no knowledge of the management and difficulties of tending acres of corn, soybeans and vegetables, irrigation, and weed control. Tending to livestock, bailing hay, driving tractors, and milking cows were not in my skillset.

Sitting for breakfast at 5 a.m. was a shock as I sat frozen, staring at a large slice of rhubarb pie. Never heard of it before, didn’t know how to spell it. The crew was smiling and happily enjoying every bite. The first bite was a challenge to my taste buds. I couldn’t believe the large slice before me. That was the first and last time I ever enjoyed rhubarb pie.

Happiness and contentment is in the eye of the beholder, or at least in their taste buds. But happiness becomes vulnerable to change. In biological terms, happiness arises when key brain systems work together. When these systems are in harmony, a person experiences not only pleasure, but coherence, in the sense that life is working from the inside outward. But in the pie case, outward-inward. But harmony is not accidental, it’s shaped by how one lives.

Dr. Abraham Maslow viewed happiness not merely as comfort, but as self-actualization and the unfolding of human potential. “To live well is not only to feel good, but to become more fully oneself. This perspective shifts happiness from a passive state to an active process. It is shaped through choices, values and direction over time.” As I struggled to eat my slice of pie, other guys were on their second slice, this time with vanilla ice cream. I was encouraged to carb up since it will be a physical day hauling milk churns or milk cans to the dairy. These tall steel metal containers with a tight lid were excruciatingly heavy to load on a truck.

I was taught that true happiness grows when individuals accept themselves as imperfect, yet worthy, think with flexibility rather than rigidity, remain open to growth, cultivate gratitude, invest in relationships and invest in purposeful activity. Well, I was having a hard time with this concept while bailing hay, and yes, it was purposeful, and I was investing in relationships; but Jeeez Louise! I’m a city boy. Then I had to counsel myself repeatedly saying “happiness is about living each day with awareness, gratitude and a generous spirit.”

For Dr. Alber Ellis, happiness depends on how we think, it “is not seen as a single feeling, but as a dynamic state of well-being that includes emotion, meaning, engagement, and connection. It is both experienced in moments built over time through patterns of thought, behavior and relationships.”

As you know, humans are not designed for isolation. Meaningful relations, social connection and kindness help regulate emotional life. In other words, joy or happiness is not sustained in solitude alone, it is strengthened in a shared experience, most of the time. After the dairy run, I was cleaning the pens and stalls while shoveling, spreading, and storing manure. My self-talk kept repeating “even difficult experiences can deepen happiness when they lead to wisdom, compassion, and personal growth” as I counted the manure bags.

In the end, happiness is less about possessing many things and more about living each day with awareness, gratitude and a generous spirit. Life is filled with challenges. A peaceful mind is not without problems. But life shifts. Happiness is fragile. If you take happiness for granted, it could backfire on you, if you’ve based your happiness on circumstances and personal gain. Attitude, behavior, and choices, are the true predictors of happiness. I wonder? Should I have another slice or rhubarb pie? Maybe this time with vanilla ice cream?

About the Author:

Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.

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